Alex Siegfried FAQ v. 1.1
1. General Questions
1.1 what is alt.punk?
Alt.punk is an Internet newsgroup. You should
probably know this, seeing as you're reading this, unless
you're reading Deja News in which case you're gutter, or
using AOL in which case you're a f**knut.
1.1.1 when did alt.punk start?
Rumor has it it originated as a propaganda device
for Maximumrocknroll. It has since become a propaganda
device for Jux Beck's sex life, John Lowe's lack of a sex
life, and whatever band Joe Selby may be in.
1.2 how do I get on alt.punk?
Get your newsreader--if you're lazy like me,
Pinemail or Netscape will function, although the smart
Netgeek will snag Free Agent or TRN.
Subscribe to alt.punk.
1.3 who generally posts on alt.punk?
Alt.punk posters have one of two excuses.
Either they work all day, or they are f**king dorks with
no life. Some of us smoothly transitioned from the
latter to the former without missing a beat.
1.4 will I be accepted on alt.punk?
No. We hate your politics, we hate your clothes,
and we hate the way you smell two three four.
2. Rules and Regulations
2.1 rules are for fascists, aren't they?
Yes. Just call me Alex Siegfried, Reigning Jewish
Fuhrer. And bring me a forty, peasant.
2.2 what content is acceptable?
English.
2.3 what content is unacceptable?
Spanish, binaries, or whatever language Steve
starts speaking when he's on a roll.
2.4 I've got this f**king rad binary...
We have a way of curing people of their love for
binaries. It's called Spike. He'll kill you if you even
try. Go post it on an alt.binary newsgroup.
2.5 someone's being mean to me: who do I turn to?
Your own wit and ingenuity. No sympathy for those
who can't hold their own in a slapfest. Maybe if you
give me a kiss, I'll stand up for you, but not otherwise.
3. The Soopahstah's of Alt.Punk (who are you f**king now?)
Nation of Ulysses quote, by the way.
3.1 who is Joanie?
Joanie is the reigning queen of alt.punk, so
don't be stepping. She knows more about, in her words,
"music that sixteen year old boys listen to" than any
sixteen year old boy, and more than Joe Downs who I
think is well into his thirties.
3.1.1 what is WMBR?
WMBR is Joanie's propaganda outfit in Boston.
Look for her weekly playlists for time and station of
her show, the Late Risers' Club.
3.2 who is alt.punk.austin?
3.2.1 who is John Lowe?
John is an enigma, but suffice to say he is
mondo cool to you so long as you don't step to Cub.
He is the first alt.punker to buy a tamagotchi, which
some of us find significant.
3.2.2 who is Lali Donovan?
The delightful Lali Donovan is best known for
writing in MRR and ripping into snotty teenage boys at
shows. Duh, she's coooool.
3.2.3 who is Kortney?
Kortney is a fighter pilot. She blows things
up for a living, and, hence, is punker than any of you,
even if the military sucks.
3.3 who is alt.punk.atlanta?
3.3.1 who is Genny?
Genny has always been the darling of alt.punk,
except for that person she has decided to rip the f**k
out of for the week. She's cool, so long as you cease
entertaining the illusion that she wants to date you.
3.3.2 who is Erik?
The only f**ker dumb enough to not cease
entertaining the illusion that she wanted to date him.
It got him a year with her. He knows tons about music,
and I want to lay him. So he gets double the number of
sentences everyone else gets.
3.3.3 who is Steve?
Steve is the only boy on alt.punk who talks more
about less. Ask him about mid-80s indiepop and he's on
target, though.
3.3.4 who is Antonio?
Antonio is large, funny, and very very drunk.
Honestly, there's nothing more that needs to be said
about him.
3.4 who is alt.punk.sf?
3.4.1 who is Tex Storm?
Tex Storm is a pseudonym for a mystical entity
sewing dischord throughout the planet. He plays
guitar well, and wrote his own FAQ, which may be more
coherent than this one, and oh yeah he's kinda short.
3.4.1.1 who is Hank Storm?
Hank Storm is the code name for an AI program
Tex created, much like that Japanese pop star thingie,
specifically to lay some vocals over his propaganda
piece. Hank Storm is programmed to react badly to
mentions of flowers, apparently.
3.4.1.2 what the f**kola is toyboat?
toyboat is the future. Accept nothing less,
bizatch.
3.4.1.3 what the f**kola were the
Wynona Riders?
The Wynona Riders were the codename for a secret
project by which the Hank Storm Algorithm attempted to
burn down 924 Gilman St. via sonic vibrations.
Recreations of these attempts are available courtesy
Lookout records.
PS--Rice did it better.
3.4.2 who is Alex Siegfried?
Alex Siegfried goes by a number of names, none
of which make sense. He is very cool, and as such you
want him, badly.
3.4.3 who is Phil?
Phil is on hiatus, but he is the baddest
llamakisser on the planet when it comes to BBQ sauce
and trumpet.
3.4.3.1 who is Pete?
My theory is that Pete is a symbiotic organism
on Phil, because everytime Phil shows up so does Pete.
It's creepy in a way.
3.4.4 who is Krissy?
Krissy is our resident crusty-in-the-making.
She doesn't post much, and when she does, she usually
slams Genny, with hilarity ensuing.
3.4.5 who is Zab?
Zab is the Mistress of Recycled Records. She
has a scary amount of vinyl, cool tats, cool glasses,
and knows kung-fu. Well, maybe she does and maybe she
doesn't, but are YOU gonna be the first one to step
the f**k up?
3.5 who are alt.punk.europe?
3.5.1 who is Hester?
Hester's a smart 'un. She will soon have a
doctorate in psychology, and she is the Queen of
Nutella in these parts--these parts being the
Netherlands, home of, among other things, lots of weed.
3.5.2 who is Spike?
Spike is tall, pointy, sardonic, and English.
He consistently has rad .sig files, although he needs
to add a few more.
3.5.3 who is Brad?
Brad is shorter, less pointy, sardonic, and
Scottish. He plays bass for the Beauty School Dropouts,
who rock, and forces haggis on people, which sounds
sorta scary and possibly illegal.
3.6 who are Karl, Dr. Badass, Jason Oi, Giancarla, Levab, and Emilyyyy....yyyyy?
Karl's buff, Badass freestyles like a muthaf**ka,
Jason disappeared, Giancarla does bootlegs and yells at
people, Levab I bitched out his first day on the NG so
I'm making it up to him here, and
Emilyyyyyyy y-ad-infinitum has only been here a couple
days but has been so beautifully incoherent that she
earned a place in the FAQ.
3.7 who is Fyodor?
Theories abound. Some say he is Rev. Norb;
some say he is Mac Travis Cutt; some say he is a
rogue Revered of Slack; some say he is E.T. (E.T.
telnet home!); some say he is Ronald Reagan; some
say he is a rock. Me, I say he hasn't posted here
in too f**kin' long.
3.8 who did I forget?
3.8.1 who is Slugfish?
Slugfish is Oklahoma-as-hell, and she isn't
gonna take it anymore.
3.8.2 who is Troy?
Troy, the boy toy, is a Canuck with spirit.
He listens to a lot of bad music but still manages to
be a cool ass muddafugga, only I gave him my address
and the dork didn't write me.
3.8.3 who is David?
I donno, but he likes David Lynch movies, so
he's cool enough to be on this FAQ.
3.8.4 who is Minty Jane?
Minty Jane is flavor of the month--actually I
don't get it, I think I deleted that thread....
She does tattoos.
3.8.5 who is SidSpx.sxe?
Sid is seventeen, smart as s**t, and really
really wierd. He's also Christian and straight edge,
and hence worries me.
3.8.6 who is Tommy DOG?
Tommy's old skool. THat's all you need to know.
3.8.7 who did I forget?
THe regulars change every so often. Recently
there's been a massive swelling, sort of like Genny's
ego. *cough* Anyway, lots of old timers come back and
a couple people on this FAQ actually dropped off the
face of the planet, so if I forgot you, cope, guilt
trip me to my face some day so I can apologize
and give you a hickey.
3.9 is it possible to gaze upon the visages of these assorted wankers?
Yes. Tex Storm also runs a photo page.
Beware, however--if you are not constantly aware, the
subliminal data stream therein will register with your
base consciousness and play with your base language
circuits, and blammo you're speaking ancient Sumerian.
It is currently located at
http://www.sirius.com/~toyboat/altpunk but will move soon.
Neal Stephenson is an awesome writer, ya know that?
3.10 is it possible to communicate with these assorted wankers in real time?
Yes. Recently there has sprung up on the
Internet Relay Chat, a fairly well populated #altpunk.
It's on the EFNet, and can be reached by any number of
servers.
For a FAQ about how to get on the IRC, go
somewhere else.
4. Miscellany
4.1 what is the OFC?
The One Funk Crew is an amhc entity that
occasionally forays into alt.punk territory. Beware
the firestorm. You have been warned.
4.2 what is the Wu-Rice-Crew?
The Wu-Rice-Crew is a loose conglomeration of
freaks devoted to malt liquor, Rice, rice, and the
muthaf**kin' slums of Shaolin.
4.2.1 why does EVERYONE quote Wu-Tang?
Because the Wu-Tang Clan Ain't Nothin Ta F*** Wit.
4.3 what is with the self-deprecation?
It's cool, dude. You're not cool if you don't
self-deprecate. I guess I'm not cool then. I'll never
get laid. Waaaaaahhhhh...
4.4 what is with the arguing?
Basic hostility, really. F**k off.
4.5 can't we all just get along?
No. Watch it, ya hoser, I bite.
4.6 why don't any of you f**kheads ever talk about punk?
We do. Punk is how you live, maaaaaaaan, not
how you spike yr hair. We need UNITY dood... We talk
about whatever we feel like. Ya gots a problem, you can
talk about yr problem. We won't apologize, though.
4.7 how come some of you f**kheads only talk about punk?
'Cos dammit, music is interesting. If you're
not interested in the music, you're a f**king dork,
since punk DID spring around the soundtrack...
4.8 how easy is it to score with Genny?
Oh you and the rest of the world. Get an
inflatable doll, dork...
4.9 how easy is it to score with John?
...or else get ahold of John Lowe's number.
They don't just call him Bubblegum 'cos he's so sweet...
4.10 who is shacking up with whom?
At this point, I don't even pretend to know.
If you really wanna shack up with an alt.punker, you
can have my number, but really, sometimes the ol'
left hand is just easier.
4.11 what IS punk?
Punk is Maximumrocknroll. DUH.
4.11.1 is Green Day punk?
Billy Joe is sooo cute, ain't he?
And Tre Cool has a nice ass.
4.11.2 is toyboat punk?
toyboat is indiegothemopop, you tool.
4.11.3 am I punk?
Well, I don't know, but you can be CERTIFIABLY
punk if you send twenty dollars and your first born
child to me.
4.11.4 is Humdrum Fanzine punk?
Hoo boy is it ever. Anyone with as much of a
death wish as Steve must be punk as f**k.
5. Stuff About Spams and Trolls
5.1 what's a spam?
A spam is a thread posted across many newsgroups
that usually has little to do with most of the
newsgroups in question. Or else it's an advertisement.
5.2 what's a troll?
A troll is a post that is designed specific
to piss off the people reading a certain newsgroup.
5.3 how do I deal with the most common trolls, like...
5.3.1 punk is dead?
So are cows, but you seem to eat 'em up.
5.3.2 punk really sucks?
That's nice. You swallow.
5.3.3 real punks don't have computers?
I am posting with a phone cord stuck in my ear
and the keyboard attached through my nose, so I'm a
real punk and you're not bizatch.
5.3.4 alt.music.hardcore kicks you guys' ass?
THat's as may be, but most of US still have
better chances of scoring with the Spice Girls.
5.3.5 I have a really large penis?
The proof is in the pudding: put up or shut up.
5.3.6 my name is George Tabb?
You're a pussy.
6. Words of Encouragement
Now you know what not to do, what to do, who
to do, who not to do, who will try to do you, and you
can say: "Who knew better than you? Damn few," and
people will look at you askew, so tell 'em to go screw.
We might not love ya but hell, then again we might.
In a Greek sort of way, or maybe just Platonically.
Have a ball, kiddo.